Very young children need to develop a sense of control and independence - control of themselves and of their actions. This need explains a great deal of young children’s behaviour including the tantrums which most toddlers experience.
Two year olds often feel very frustrated and distressed because they are too young to be genuinely independent or in control. Thinking about why tantrums happen can help adults to understand these feelings.
Why tantrums happen
Most two year olds have very little sense of control over most of their lives, and in some situations this is entirely appropriate. What they do, eat, wear, hear and see during a day is so often decided by someone else. Sometimes they really want to do something, but do not yet have the ability. It is not surprising that tantrums can be frequent.
Tantrums are usually caused by frustration or distress, by children’s natural need for attention, or by children understandably wanting their own way.
Talking helps
Books can sometimes help to prevent tantrums. If you know when they tend to start, having favourite books around at those times, and talking with the child, may help.
It is important not to try and reason in the middle of a tantrum. Afterwards, wait for a calm and friendly moment. Sharing a favourite book can easily lead into conversations about a child’s feelings. Learning how to talk about feelings helps a child to feel understood and may reduce future tantrums.
Young children need to be noticed, so make sure the child is getting enough attention. Sharing a book is a good opportunity for having time together.
Managing tantrums
One of the problems about tantrums is that they can – and do – happen anywhere, and often in situations where you can feel helpless. But even where children are screaming, angry, frightened or frustrated, they still need to know that they are respected and cared for.
It is important not to ‘give in’ because of your child’s tantrum. Tantrums should be left to blow themselves out as long as a child is not in danger. Try to stay nearby and offer reassurance when it’s all over. By staying calm and setting limits, you are giving your child the security he needs.
Having a favourite book available can be useful during busy or boring times.
Playing with books
Well-known and much-loved books help children to feel secure. As well as reading the story and talking about the pictures, here are some other things to do:
- Telling the story in your own words
- Making up a new story about the characters in the book
- Finding and pointing:
- favourite character
- smallest character
- anything red (or blue, green etc)
- what has four feet?
- what has wings?
- Inventing a song to go with the story (new words to a favourite tune?)
- Providing a bag for your child to carry his books in
Books on the move
Taking a book with you can help to give children a sense of control and independence. Children can:
- choose which book to take that day
- read or play with it whenever they feel like it
- start conversations with it
- feel confident in knowing what will happen in the story
Supporting children to develop their own sense of independence and control may help you through the times when you are living with tantrums.
Things to do at home
Making stories come to life | 
